Have you ever been waiting for something to happen, something that you are desperately longing for? Waiting in desperation can be very anxiety producing as it consumes our entire body, making us feel like we cannot bear to wait another second. It can even make us feel like we are going crazy, or like we have already been waiting a million years. Our world is so out of control right now. There is so much to worry about as we are still in the midst of a pandemic. There are so many people experiencing hardships, broken relationships, joblessness, homelessness, violence, abuse, and devastation all around. How do we not worry with all of this going on? We are all looking for relief.
The Bible gives us a lot of insight about worry and anxiety. In Philippians 4:6-7 Paul tells us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” It sounds so simple right? Do not be anxious, pray, be thankful, and give our request to God. For those who have experienced anxiety, I’m sure you would disagree. Yet, that is exactly what God tells us to do. Is He serious? The answer to that is YES. God knows how we feel, He knows our thoughts, and He sees everything. Still, He tells us do not be anxious. How?? Well, the answer is found in resting in Him.
The day I first began writing this post, ten months ago, I was in the middle of one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever experienced. There was a very eerie sequence of events that led up to the knowledge that I was in the presence of a sex offender. After connecting the dots of memories, I realized that all of the behaviors that seemed strange to me but I passed off as nothing were actually steps of preying. See, God gives us the ability to be able to sense when things are not right. The Holy Spirit will actually warn us. Some may refer to this as “instinct.” I do believe this instinct is God-given and powered by the Holy Spirit. You may know what I am talking about. It is like a feeling of fear or uneasiness that you are not able to rationalize in that moment as a threat, but it is a threat nonetheless. If we are not paying attention to the warning our instinct alerts us of, we will talk ourselves out of it. How many times have we heard people say that they never thought someone was capable of doing what they did? Yet, they did it. You may have heard victims say, I felt something was not right, but I thought to myself that person would never do that. We will quickly talk ourselves right out of a warning, and right into danger.
As I look back, that was exactly what I had done. Every time something seemed questionable, I told myself I must be wrong or I misunderstood right up until the day I was so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety my body felt like it was on fire. Looking back, I saw all of the red flags, and all of the times he tried to get me alone. I saw every time that I talked myself out of what God was bringing to my attention. Then, when I searched his name on the internet, I just about had a heart attack. I realized I was in the presence of a registered sex offender who had been intentionally testing and breaking boundaries. No wonder I felt the way I did. God was warning me! This experience affected every aspect of my life as I struggled to process through the trauma.
The first three days after the alarming incidents, as I began to comprehend what took place, I was terrified to even open my curtains. I was afraid he would pop up at my window or break into my house. I was afraid to go outside, especially at night, for fear that he would be in my yard or behind a tree. I constantly looked over my shoulder and scanned my environment everywhere I went. I still do. I was so afraid to be alone that every noise I heard set off a chain of thoughts that were difficult to calm, and sometimes led to a panic attack. My body trembled just being in my house alone or being in an environment where he and I once were together. This happened even when other people were around, I knew I was not alone, and I knew he was not there.
Perhaps you are having a similar experience. If so, friend, my heart goes out to you. I do want to make the distinction that this post is directed at those who have previously experienced a traumatic situation. If you are currently in a situation that is unsafe, please contact 911 or your local domestic violence and/or rape crisis center if applicable. If you are unaware of your local resources, you can find them on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at https://www.thehotline.org/ or call 800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also google your local SARC (Sexual Assault Response Center). There is help to get you to safety, so please reach out.
For those who are living with the unpleasant reminders of past experiences, you are not alone in the quest to find healing. There is a loving and comforting God who is with you every step of the way. Trust Him when He says “present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” In each and every scary moment, lean on Him. Give Him your anxiety and your fears, and let Him exchange them for peace. Remind yourself that you are safe, and you are in His presence.
Perhaps you are thinking, does she really think it is that easy? No, not at all. I know how difficult it is to feel safe again after a traumatic experience. I know how hard it is to stop the racing thoughts and fears. I know how scary it is when you hear a sudden noise, and your heart drops or begins to race. I am still awaiting complete healing from this traumatic experience. I still occasionally jump when I hear a sudden noise, if someone comes up behind me, or if someone touches me unexpectedly. I still feel anxious in certain environments and situations. I am still hesitant to trust people, especially men. I truly struggled for many months after the encounter with the offender and am still am working through the trauma it caused. There was nowhere at all that felt safe to me, not even church. You see, it was not just about a location. It was about a crossing of boundaries and an internal sensing of danger that I could not escape from no matter where I was or who I was with. The place that was no longer safe was my mind, where the memories are stored. In those traumatic moments, I just wanted relief. I wanted it all to go away. I wished I could go back to the beginning and do everything differently. However, I had to accept that this is my new normal until I get through the process of healing. Yes, healing is a day by day, moment by moment process.
In addition to the experience previously mentioned, I am also a survivor of domestic violence and abuse. So yes, I understand how complex the journey of healing is. I know what it is like to live in constant fear of someone’s unpredictable behavior. I also understand the attack that our body is under in moments of anxiety. I experienced emotional flashbacks for quite some time after the abusive relationship ended. I understand how the brain responds to a perceived threat. I think of the phrase, hijacking of the amygdala. The brain literally thinks it is under attack. You may have heard the example of being in a forest and seeing a bear. In that moment you need to decide if you will run or fight. It can happen so fast that there is not sufficient time to even consider what you will do. Your sympathetic nervous system takes over and just like that you are responding. This is referred to as a fight or flight response. Our brain can respond the same way with a sudden noise, or a memory of the bear (or your experience). It can replay over and over in the mind. We may have the same response every time we remember, even though the threat is no longer there.
Dear friends, I want you to know there is hope! I am living proof that you can break the cycle of fear and anxiety. I have undoubtedly come a long way in the process of healing. These moments of trauma response are certainly fewer and far between. I owe that all to God. As He said, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Each and every time I felt anxious or scared, I turned it over to God. I invited His presence into that moment and asked Him for help. Although it did not happen right away, I eventually found comfort and relief. You can too!
You too can release the fear to God and begin to feel safe again. It will not happen overnight unfortunately, but it will happen. Give yourself grace, and trust the process. Each time you begin to feel anxious, talk with God. Tell Him something like this, “Lord, I trust that You are with me. I am safe with You. I am not alone. I ask You to surround me with Your peace, and ease my fears. You are my rock, my strength, my protector, and my provider. Help me to remember You will never leave me, and You are with me in this process.” I hope you can find encouragement in knowing that although it seems like what you are going through is never going to end, it will get better.
Along with prayer, it is helpful to me to find things to focus my attention on such as sitting outside or going for a walk while incorporating the use of all of my senses as I focus on what I can see, smell, hear, feel, and taste. While I am doing this I am praying or reflecting on God’s promises. I will also listen to my favorite worship songs, read encouraging devotionals, or watch a movie as a healthy distraction when I feel overwhelmed. Although, the ideal is not to seek a constant escape as it can hinder our healing, we do need moments of relief as we process through the thoughts and feelings associated with traumatic memories. Counseling is a beneficial way to process traumatic memories on the road to recovery, especially if you are experiencing flashbacks or panic attacks. Journaling is also a helpful tool. There are tons of other methods for healthy coping that can be found through a google search.
Regrettably, we cannot go back in time and change our experiences, but we can learn from them. We can begin taking steps to ensure our safety, such as trusting our instincts, setting clear boundaries, being alert to potential danger, being aware of our surroundings, avoiding anything that does not feel safe, and being vigilant. We may never forget what happened, but we can once again have peace and security. We can also move forward boldly and courageously with God by our side. We can overcome the mental stronghold of fear and once again feel safe in our own mind. We are overcomers through the power of the Holy Spirit. As God said in Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I am praying for each of you that His comfort and peace will surround you in whatever circumstance you are facing. I pray that you too will once again feel safe in your own head space.
Gracefully Restored 