Throughout my life I have endured many trials, as we all have. Some of those trials were deep and dark valleys that caused tremendous pain. In 2008 I realized that those valleys had led me to depression. Sadness overwhelmed me all of the time. I could not seem to enjoy anything. I began avoiding life. I went to work, came home, and went to bed. Many times, I would wake up only to feed my kids and then go back to sleep. The least little thing would make me cry. I felt worthless and unloved. I did not think I even deserved to be loved, and it was very painful to try to understand why. I was convinced that I was a complete failure as a mother and as a wife. All I could hear were hateful words that cut through me. There were so many painful memories of the abuse I had endured. Although at the time, I wasn’t able to identify that I was being abused. I thought I deserved the treatment I was receiving. I felt hopeless, and the only future I saw was filled with pain. I began having some very scary self-destructive thoughts and would pray for the Lord to take me to be with Him. I honestly wasn’t sure I was going to survive.
I began counseling and received help for the depression. I still remember the emptiness I felt when asked a typical counseling question to name three positive characteristics about myself, and I couldn’t even think of one. I began to heal through the counseling process, and the encouragement I received from the people the Lord brought into my life. However, the most significant impact during this time of healing was the way the Lord intervened. He pulled me out of the pit of despair. He showed me what real love is, as explained in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, “4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.”
The Lord gave me hope and a future. He filled my heart with a desire to help women who are going through or have gone through various trials, many of which I too went through. I questioned for quite some time if He had the right person. I just couldn’t believe that the Lord could actually use me. He helped me believe that He really would use what I had gone through for good. He gave me peace, and filled my heart with joy. Through His word, He helped me to see who I really am, who He created me to be, not what the enemy had used others to convince me that I am. His love and comfort still continue to heal me. I never thought that was possible. If it was not for the incredible love the Lord has shown me, I don’t believe I would be here today. For that, I am eternally thankful!
Now that I know and understand how God sees me, I am able to fight against discouraging thoughts of insecurity and remind myself of His truths. I can also encourage my own heart that He equips those He calls. I know that I am not doing this alone. The Holy Spirit has been changing me in ways I could never imagine. He is still helping me grow in amazing ways. For example, one of my biggest fears is speaking in front of a crowd. Years ago, that would have never happened! I learned though from 1 John 4:18 that there is no fear in love; perfect love casts out fear. I can face my fears with boldness. Therefore, I joined the public speaking organization, Toastmasters, and plowed through my first four speeches. I also gave my testimony to a group of about 70 women at a conference at my church. Additionally, the Lord helps me face every painful memory as He lovingly removes the sting of the seed planted for harm. Though it is not easy, I know He is with me and I know He cares.
I finished a master’s in Biblical counseling and an internship that gave me amazing opportunities to help others. One of the locations I interned at was a domestic violence shelter. Some of the stories are absolutely horrible. My heart goes out to each and every one of those women. I pray that the Lord will help them also to see that they are loved and valued despite how others have treated them. I hope that the love of Christ was able to shine through me to help bring light to the darkness they faced.
I realize that this story is not my own. It is the Lord’s and it is not over. A new chapter has just begun. I am excited to see where He takes it. It has been a very difficult journey, and some days it still is. Yet, I know that He is with me every step of the way. I am thankful for the lessons the Lord taught me of what true love is, so that through Him I can love others as He has loved me. I can give hope to the hopeless that no matter what they are facing, God does make beauty from ashes. He is the God of the mountains, and the valleys. He will never leave us.
Gracefully Restored 