He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

What is Love? The answer to this question really depends on who you ask. Even then, it often depends on their experiences or understanding of love. Through the lens of abuse or neglect, the definition of love can be far from truth. Many times, I found myself searching for the answer as if I was playing the game we used to play when I was young where you would take a flower and as we pull the petals off one by one, we say “He loves me, he loves me not.” I never realized until now how similar that really is to the way we determine love. How often do we look at an occurrence as if pulling off a petal and say to our self, no. that isn’t love…or yes, that is love?

To some degree, I would say that yes, there is some merit to that. If someone’s actions toward you are continually hateful, it is a fair assumption to say that they do not love you. However, there is always the possibility that they themselves do not understand what love is. What makes this so complex as I mentioned before, is that our perception of love is generally based on experience and the understanding we gain from interpretation. While there may be truth to the saying that action speaks louder than words, action is often a repetition of what we have witnessed.  Therefore, none of those ways really represent a clear understanding of what love is.

If you ask Merriam-Webster, you will get a variety of answers including love as a noun: a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; an attraction based on sexual desire:affection and tenderness felt by lovers; an affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests; an assurance of affection; a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration; a beloved person—often used as a term of endearment; and an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: such as the fatherly concern of God for humankind, and brotherly concern for others. You will also get responses of love as an action: to hold dear; to feel a lover’s passion, devotion, or tenderness for; to like or desire actively: take pleasure in; and to thrive in (Merriam-Webster, Inc., 2020).

The problem with these responses, although they may be accurate, there is no mention of time. Some of the answers do imply a continuous act, but they leave the unanswered question of “for how long?” Most people would probably agree that they hope that love lasts forever, but let’s be real. How many of us can honestly say that we have what it takes to love or be loved forever? That would be a pretty bold statement. We see relationships come and go. Some end in a shorter space of time then it took to actually pursue the relationship.

If we are being honest, I think we all would agree that our concept of love has conditions. We can be “in love” with someone who makes us feel a certain way. We can show love, when someone behaves in a way that gives us a good feeling. However, get into an argument with your spouse or significant other and see how quickly that bubbly love feeling burst into yelling and words that we would not dare to use while flowing in the bubbly feeling. What happens when we no longer feel the bubbles in our relationship or when that person cramps our lifestyle? What happens when children grow up and have harsh disagreements with their parents, or our best friend from high school suddenly does something to offend us? Be honest, love is done. Although we may waiver in and out of love, I am sure we all have seen or at least heard of relationships- even that of children and parents come to a drastic end.

This is what we call human love. Let’s face it, we are flawed. We see love as something that makes us feel good. When it no longer feels good, or when it begins to hurt, we want out. We want an escape route. Now, there are situations in which we truly do need an escape route! This is especially true with domestic violence and abuse. If your life is in danger, or you are not safe, absolutely find an escape route. Generally speaking, though, we tend to look for escape routes simply because we feel discomfort or feel our needs are not being met. Often, unloving treatment and experience leaves us utterly broken and weighed down by questions such as, why doesn’t he (she) love me, and am I even worthy of love? We question our own value and worthiness to be loved based on the actions of a person who may not even be capable of expressing love, let alone understand what love is. The quest to find the answer to the question of love, and to truly know if I am loved, led me to a life altering lesson.

The Bible tells us of a love that is much different from the definition society has, or even Merriam Webster has. The word is known as “agape.” What does that mean? Wikipedia (2020) defines it like this: “Agape (Ancient Greek ἀγάπη, agapē) is a Greco–Christian term referring to unconditional love, “the highest form of love, charity” and “the love of God for man and of man for God”. The word is not to be confused with philia, brotherly love, or philautia, self-love, as it embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance. It goes beyond just the emotions to the extent of seeking the best for others.”

At the time of the last meal with his disciples, Jesus instructs them, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. ³⁵ By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35). We know that the kind of love Jesus was referring to is agape love. His love is unconditional. Even in that moment of knowing one of his disciples would betray him, he loved them. All of them. His love for Judas did not end because he would betray him, nor did it waiver. He wasn’t referring to them simply loving one another, as they had become close in their time together. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus states, “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” Did you see that? Even those who persecute us? What kind of love is that? How can we love even our enemies?

Well, Jesus described that kind of love this way, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” That’s exactly what Jesus did. He willingly laid down his life so that we would not die in our sin, but have eternal life with him in Heaven. Did you notice that Jesus used the word friends? Yet he laid down his life not just for his friends. He did it for everyone, even those who hung him on that cross. Now that is love. How is that even possible? You may be thinking it isn’t. Yet Jesus did not just ask, he commanded that we do it. He specifically says, “as I have loved you, you also love one another.” We know that kind of love is only possible through Jesus. We know that Jesus never asks us to do anything that he we would not be able to do with God’s help. Jesus knew we are challenged. In Matthew 19:26, while referring to who can be saved it states, “But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Well, there we have it. With God, ALL things are possible. Even loving our enemy.

Let’s dig a little deeper and take a look at what the Word of God teaches us love is. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 13 which Paul (inspired by God) begins, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ² And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.” WOW, that is a HUGE statement. If it profits us nothing if we don’t have (walk in) love, we NEED to get this right! Wouldn’t you agree? However, this is a big topic so we will need to break it up into a series. I am so sorry to leave you hanging right here, but Paul gives us plenty to think about as we consider the next section: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸ Love never fails.”

In my next post I will begin with “Love suffers long and is kind. Please come back and join me as we dig deep so we can really comprehend the magnitude of this “love” God shares with us. Until then, may the Lord bless you and keep you; make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. May the Lord turn his face toward you, and give you peace (Numbers 6:24-26).