Anxiously Awaiting Relief

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Have you ever been waiting for something to happen, something that you are desperately longing for?  Waiting in desperation can be very anxiety producing as it consumes our entire body, making us feel like we cannot bear to wait another second. It can even make us feel like we are going crazy, or like we have already been waiting a million years. Our world is so out of control right now. There is so much to worry about as we are still in the midst of a pandemic. There are so many people experiencing hardships, broken relationships, joblessness, homelessness, violence, abuse, and devastation all around. How do we not worry with all of this going on? We are all looking for relief.

The Bible gives us a lot of insight about worry and anxiety. In Philippians 4:6-7 Paul tells us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” It sounds so simple right? Do not be anxious, pray, be thankful, and give our request to God. For those who have experienced anxiety, I’m sure you would disagree. Yet, that is exactly what God tells us to do. Is He serious? The answer to that is YES. God knows how we feel, He knows our thoughts, and He sees everything. Still, He tells us do not be anxious. How?? Well, the answer is found in resting in Him.

The day I first began writing this post, ten months ago, I was in the middle of one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever experienced. There was a very eerie sequence of events that led up to the knowledge that I was in the presence of a sex offender. After connecting the dots of memories, I realized that all of the behaviors that seemed strange to me but I passed off as nothing were actually steps of preying. See, God gives us the ability to be able to sense when things are not right. The Holy Spirit will actually warn us. Some may refer to this as “instinct.” I do believe this instinct is God-given and powered by the Holy Spirit. You may know what I am talking about. It is like a feeling of fear or uneasiness that you are not able to rationalize in that moment as a threat, but it is a threat nonetheless. If we are not paying attention to the warning our instinct alerts us of, we will talk ourselves out of it. How many times have we heard people say that they never thought someone was capable of doing what they did? Yet, they did it. You may have heard victims say, I felt something was not right, but I thought to myself that person would never do that. We will quickly talk ourselves right out of a warning, and right into danger.

As I look back, that was exactly what I had done. Every time something seemed questionable, I told myself I must be wrong or I misunderstood right up until the day I was so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety my body felt like it was on fire. Looking back, I saw all of the red flags, and all of the times he tried to get me alone. I saw every time that I talked myself out of what God was bringing to my attention. Then, when I searched his name on the internet, I just about had a heart attack. I realized I was in the presence of a registered sex offender who had been intentionally testing and breaking boundaries. No wonder I felt the way I did. God was warning me! This experience affected every aspect of my life as I struggled to process through the trauma.

The first three days after the alarming incidents, as I began to comprehend what took place, I was terrified to even open my curtains. I was afraid he would pop up at my window or break into my house. I was afraid to go outside, especially at night, for fear that he would be in my yard or behind a tree. I constantly looked over my shoulder and scanned my environment everywhere I went. I still do. I was so afraid to be alone that every noise I heard set off a chain of thoughts that were difficult to calm, and sometimes led to a panic attack. My body trembled just being in my house alone or being in an environment where he and I once were together. This happened even when other people were around, I knew I was not alone, and I knew he was not there.

Perhaps you are having a similar experience. If so, friend, my heart goes out to you. I do want to make the distinction that this post is directed at those who have previously experienced a traumatic situation. If you are currently in a situation that is unsafe, please contact 911 or your local domestic violence and/or rape crisis center if applicable. If you are unaware of your local resources, you can find them on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at https://www.thehotline.org/ or call 800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also google your local SARC (Sexual Assault Response Center). There is help to get you to safety, so please reach out.

 For those who are living with the unpleasant reminders of past experiences, you are not alone in the quest to find healing. There is a loving and comforting God who is with you every step of the way. Trust Him when He says “present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” In each and every scary moment, lean on Him. Give Him your anxiety and your fears, and let Him exchange them for peace. Remind yourself that you are safe, and you are in His presence.

Perhaps you are thinking, does she really think it is that easy? No, not at all. I know how difficult it is to feel safe again after a traumatic experience. I know how hard it is to stop the racing thoughts and fears. I know how scary it is when you hear a sudden noise, and your heart drops or begins to race. I am still awaiting complete healing from this traumatic experience. I still occasionally jump when I hear a sudden noise, if someone comes up behind me, or if someone touches me unexpectedly. I still feel anxious in certain environments and situations. I am still hesitant to trust people, especially men. I truly struggled for many months after the encounter with the offender and am still am working through the trauma it caused. There was nowhere at all that felt safe to me, not even church. You see, it was not just about a location. It was about a crossing of boundaries and an internal sensing of danger that I could not escape from no matter where I was or who I was with. The place that was no longer safe was my mind, where the memories are stored. In those traumatic moments, I just wanted relief. I wanted it all to go away. I wished I could go back to the beginning and do everything differently. However, I had to accept that this is my new normal until I get through the process of healing. Yes, healing is a day by day, moment by moment process.

In addition to the experience previously mentioned, I am also a survivor of domestic violence and abuse. So yes, I understand how complex the journey of healing is. I know what it is like to live in constant fear of someone’s unpredictable behavior. I also understand the attack that our body is under in moments of anxiety. I experienced emotional flashbacks for quite some time after the abusive relationship ended. I understand how the brain responds to a perceived threat. I think of the phrase, hijacking of the amygdala. The brain literally thinks it is under attack. You may have heard the example of being in a forest and seeing a bear. In that moment you need to decide if you will run or fight. It can happen so fast that there is not sufficient time to even consider what you will do. Your sympathetic nervous system takes over and just like that you are responding. This is referred to as a fight or flight response. Our brain can respond the same way with a sudden noise, or a memory of the bear (or your experience). It can replay over and over in the mind. We may have the same response every time we remember, even though the threat is no longer there.

Dear friends, I want you to know there is hope! I am living proof that you can break the cycle of fear and anxiety. I have undoubtedly come a long way in the process of healing. These moments of trauma response are certainly fewer and far between. I owe that all to God. As He said, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Each and every time I felt anxious or scared, I turned it over to God. I invited His presence into that moment and asked Him for help. Although it did not happen right away, I eventually found comfort and relief. You can too!

You too can release the fear to God and begin to feel safe again. It will not happen overnight unfortunately, but it will happen. Give yourself grace, and trust the process. Each time you begin to feel anxious, talk with God. Tell Him something like this, “Lord, I trust that You are with me. I am safe with You. I am not alone. I ask You to surround me with Your peace, and ease my fears. You are my rock, my strength, my protector, and my provider. Help me to remember You will never leave me, and You are with me in this process.” I hope you can find encouragement in knowing that although it seems like what you are going through is never going to end, it will get better.

 Along with prayer, it is helpful to me to find things to focus my attention on such as sitting outside or going for a walk while incorporating the use of all of my senses as I focus on what I can see, smell, hear, feel, and taste. While I am doing this I am praying or reflecting on God’s promises. I will also listen to my favorite worship songs, read encouraging devotionals, or watch a movie as a healthy distraction when I feel overwhelmed. Although, the ideal is not to seek a constant escape as it can hinder our healing, we do need moments of relief as we process through the thoughts and feelings associated with traumatic memories. Counseling is a beneficial way to process traumatic memories on the road to recovery, especially if you are experiencing flashbacks or panic attacks. Journaling is also a helpful tool. There are tons of other methods for healthy coping that can be found through a google search.

Regrettably, we cannot go back in time and change our experiences, but we can learn from them. We can begin taking steps to ensure our safety, such as trusting our instincts, setting clear boundaries, being alert to potential danger, being aware of our surroundings, avoiding anything that does not feel safe, and being vigilant. We may never forget what happened, but we can once again have peace and security. We can also move forward boldly and courageously with God by our side. We can overcome the mental stronghold of fear and once again feel safe in our own mind. We are overcomers through the power of the Holy Spirit. As God said in Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I am praying for each of you that His comfort and peace will surround you in whatever circumstance you are facing. I pray that you too will once again feel safe in your own head space.

When It Hurts To Hope

     In my last post I made a bold statement, “never lose hope.” Although generally speaking, I am a hopeful person even in challenging circumstances, a question came to mind after writing that as I reflected on the moments when it was harder to have hope. What do you do when it hurts to hope? Have you ever felt that a situation was so completely out of control and beyond repair that even the thought of having hope hurt? In times when it seems that hoping for something will only bring more disappointment, it is imperative that we evaluate where we are placing our hope. I can say this because I have been there. I have felt pain so intense that just trying to get myself to think hopeful thoughts brought me to tears. It is like this overwhelming fear that if I allow myself to even consider a positive outcome, it will only bring a greater feeling of devastation when what I hope for does not happen. It is a very real possibility that we must be willing to accept. It certainly does not mean that we should not have hope or that we should just accept defeat and go back to bed. It definitely does not warrant running away from everything. Although, let’s be honest, sometimes we may be thinking that is an option. If we can just get away from our problems, we will feel better, right? No, my friend. We will take the pain of our problems with us no matter where we go, because it is in our hearts and our minds.

What then are we supposed to do? We evaluate where our hope is. You see, if we put our hope in a person, they will likely let us down at some point. We are all human and capable of disappointing one another. If we put our hope in an event, we will be sad if it does not happen. Anything that is capable of failing is not safe to put our hope in. So, what do we do? I say this with absolute confidence, we put our trust in the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Can it get any better than that? Our Lord, who cannot tell a lie, said He already has plans for us. Those plans are to give us hope and a future.

The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 1:18 prays for us, “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people.” Not only does God give us hope, He calls us to hope. How can that be? Does He not see the horrible things that happen in our lives? Of course, He does. There is not a single event or even a thought that escapes His awareness. How then can He “call” us to hope? The answer is found in Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” God has a purpose and plan for each one of us. It is a confidence we can have in our relationship with Him.

The problem comes when we believe that our plan for our lives is better than His. If we do not know what His plan is, how then can we say that our plan is better? As God’s Word says, He works ALL things together for our good. If we put our hope in our will, we may be heartbroken if it does not happen. If we put our hope in God to accomplish His good will in our lives, we won’t be disappointed. His plan is FOR our good.

Let’s be real for a minute. The things we go through in life can be devastating. They can leave us feeling completely shattered. The enemy has three goals: steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He will do anything to keep us from experiencing the joy of seeing God’s plan for us fulfilled. Paul tells us to be sober and vigilant (1 Peter 5:8). The enemy will try to fill our minds with thoughts that take our sight off of God and puts it onto our problems. Be mindful of this. Keep your eyes focused on God no matter what you see or feel. Be encouraged, God is in control! He has the final say. It does not matter what it looks like in this very moment. His promises are true! In this we CAN have hope!

We see what is happening now, but we cannot possibly see what God sees. This is where trust comes in and works hand in hand with hope. We CAN trust God with our circumstances and our future because we know He will work everything together for our good. The “good” is coming, but we will have to wait for it. The wait can sometimes be long. If we can just trust that God is working on our behalf to work even the darkest places out for our good, we can have a fulfilling hope.

Consider for a moment when Joseph, who had a difficult life to begin with, was put in prison. It went from bad to starting to look up, to worse. Having already been betrayed by his brothers, thrown into a pit, and sold into slavery, Genesis 39 begins with Joseph being bought by an officer of Pharaoh named Potiphar. It was not a good situation from the start. Fortunately, the Lord was with Joseph, and everything Joseph did prospered. This was evident to Potiphar. Therefore, Potiphar made Joseph the overseer of his house and put everything he had under Joseph’s authority. Finally, things are looking up. Then along comes Potiphar’s wife who had her eyes on Joseph, and propositioned him (vs. 7). When he refused and tried to get away, she screamed and made false accusations against him.

When Potiphar heard this, his anger was aroused. The Bible states in Genesis 39:20-23, “Then Joseph’s master took him and put him into the prison, a place where the king’s prisoners were confined. And he was there in the prison. 21 But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him mercy, and He gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison. 22 And the keeper of the prison committed to Joseph’s hand all the prisoners who were in the prison; whatever they did there, it was his doing. 23 The keeper of the prison did not look into anything that was under Joseph’s authority, because the Lord was with him; and whatever he did, the Lord made it prosper.”

At this point you may be wondering, if the Lord was “with” Joseph, why was all of this happening to begin with? Well, that’s a discussion for another time perhaps. What is important to see here, is the events that happen next. We see in Genesis 40 that Joseph has two fellow prisoners placed under his charge, the chief butler and the chief baker. Each of them has a dream that is perplexing them. Joseph comes in and says, “Why do you look so sad today?” An interesting question for someone confined to prison. They tell him they each had a dream but there is no interpretation of it. Joseph advises that interpretations belong to God. However, knowing that the Lord gifted him with dream interpretation he tells them to share their dreams with him. The interpretation of the butler’s dream was good and promising. The baker’s, well, not so good. As a matter of fact, it was awful and symbolic of his death. Perhaps, Joseph could have softened it up a bit, but he was blunt and honest. Joseph asked the butler to remember him when he is restored to his place in the house.

TWO YEARS later, in Genesis 41, Pharaoh has a dream. Finally, the butler remembered that Joseph can interpret dreams and tells Pharaoh, who then sends for Joseph. Although we may not know exactly how long Joseph was in jail for, we know it was at least ten years. Finally, it all gets redeemed when Joseph interprets Pharaoh’s dream and is then appointed over all the land to prepare for the famine.

As a result of the famine, Joseph’s brothers come to Egypt to get grain, not knowing it was Joseph they were asking for it from. Long story short, after Joseph puts them through some tests, he realizes their hearts changed and they were deeply remorseful for what they had done. He demonstrates his forgiveness in 45:5-8, “5 But now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life. 6 For these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. 7 And God sent me before you to preserve a posterity for you in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. 8 So now it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt.” Then in 50:20 Joseph speaks words of encouragement that we often quote today, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”

As we see, it was an act of evil from Joseph’s brothers that started off the extensive trial and suffering that Joseph would endure. Yet in God’s sovereignty and goodness He used it for good. Despite everything he went through, Joseph saw that the greater picture was far beyond his pain. He saw that God had not only been there all along, but was working everything out for good. It was not just Joseph that benefited, many people were kept alive! Joseph knew that God had given him the gift of dream interpretation early in his life. He knew it was given for a reason, and he trusted God. He kept his eyes on God. That got him through the disappointment and the heartache. It was not until he endured this heavy trial that his gift was used by God to fulfill His divine purpose. There is more to the story than what we see. There is something far beyond what we can even imagine.

What we choose to focus on will determine how we see and experience our circumstances. Our perspective can literally be a matter of life or death. If we see our situation as completely hopeless it can lead to a serious depression; even suicidal thoughts or action. On the other hand, if we trust God that He does have a plan even if we cannot see it, we can rest in hope. If we trust that the plan does not end with what we currently see, we can begin to catch the little glimpses of light in our circumstances. We can have hope and we can endure the trials we face. Proverbs 13:12 states, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.” We can wait with expectation knowing a desired end is coming. It may not be the exact outcome we desire, but a good expectation of God’s desire nonetheless.

Romans 15:13 states, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Did you catch that? It is by the power of the Holy Spirit that we can abound in hope. We have help to remain in hope. Having hope is not something that comes natural to us in times of trouble, but God gives us a helper to comfort us and give us hope. In John 14:27, Jesus tells us that He leaves His peace with us. He says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” It is not the kind of peace the world gives, which is a temporary peace based on circumstance. It is the kind of peace that fills our entire being in even the worst situations. It is a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). We can hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, because God who promised it is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).

I pray that the Lord will pour out His peace over you and comfort you in any situation that you may be facing. I pray that He will strengthen you and give you grace. Do not lose hope, but put your trust in our Eternal Hope which is only found in the Lord Jesus Christ. He loves you and adores you. Put your hope in Jesus. He will take this painful situation and use it for good. Wait on Him, He is faithful!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

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What is Love? The answer to this question really depends on who you ask. Even then, it often depends on their experiences or understanding of love. Through the lens of abuse or neglect, the definition of love can be far from truth. Many times, I found myself searching for the answer as if I was playing the game we used to play when I was young where you would take a flower and as we pull the petals off one by one, we say “He loves me, he loves me not.” I never realized until now how similar that really is to the way we determine love. How often do we look at an occurrence as if pulling off a petal and say to our self, no. that isn’t love…or yes, that is love?

To some degree, I would say that yes, there is some merit to that. If someone’s actions toward you are continually hateful, it is a fair assumption to say that they do not love you. However, there is always the possibility that they themselves do not understand what love is. What makes this so complex as I mentioned before, is that our perception of love is generally based on experience and the understanding we gain from interpretation. While there may be truth to the saying that action speaks louder than words, action is often a repetition of what we have witnessed.  Therefore, none of those ways really represent a clear understanding of what love is.

If you ask Merriam-Webster, you will get a variety of answers including love as a noun: a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; an attraction based on sexual desire:affection and tenderness felt by lovers; an affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests; an assurance of affection; a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration; a beloved person—often used as a term of endearment; and an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: such as the fatherly concern of God for humankind, and brotherly concern for others. You will also get responses of love as an action: to hold dear; to feel a lover’s passion, devotion, or tenderness for; to like or desire actively: take pleasure in; and to thrive in (Merriam-Webster, Inc., 2020).

The problem with these responses, although they may be accurate, there is no mention of time. Some of the answers do imply a continuous act, but they leave the unanswered question of “for how long?” Most people would probably agree that they hope that love lasts forever, but let’s be real. How many of us can honestly say that we have what it takes to love or be loved forever? That would be a pretty bold statement. We see relationships come and go. Some end in a shorter space of time then it took to actually pursue the relationship.

If we are being honest, I think we all would agree that our concept of love has conditions. We can be “in love” with someone who makes us feel a certain way. We can show love, when someone behaves in a way that gives us a good feeling. However, get into an argument with your spouse or significant other and see how quickly that bubbly love feeling burst into yelling and words that we would not dare to use while flowing in the bubbly feeling. What happens when we no longer feel the bubbles in our relationship or when that person cramps our lifestyle? What happens when children grow up and have harsh disagreements with their parents, or our best friend from high school suddenly does something to offend us? Be honest, love is done. Although we may waiver in and out of love, I am sure we all have seen or at least heard of relationships- even that of children and parents come to a drastic end.

This is what we call human love. Let’s face it, we are flawed. We see love as something that makes us feel good. When it no longer feels good, or when it begins to hurt, we want out. We want an escape route. Now, there are situations in which we truly do need an escape route! This is especially true with domestic violence and abuse. If your life is in danger, or you are not safe, absolutely find an escape route. Generally speaking, though, we tend to look for escape routes simply because we feel discomfort or feel our needs are not being met. Often, unloving treatment and experience leaves us utterly broken and weighed down by questions such as, why doesn’t he (she) love me, and am I even worthy of love? We question our own value and worthiness to be loved based on the actions of a person who may not even be capable of expressing love, let alone understand what love is. The quest to find the answer to the question of love, and to truly know if I am loved, led me to a life altering lesson.

The Bible tells us of a love that is much different from the definition society has, or even Merriam Webster has. The word is known as “agape.” What does that mean? Wikipedia (2020) defines it like this: “Agape (Ancient Greek ἀγάπη, agapē) is a Greco–Christian term referring to unconditional love, “the highest form of love, charity” and “the love of God for man and of man for God”. The word is not to be confused with philia, brotherly love, or philautia, self-love, as it embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance. It goes beyond just the emotions to the extent of seeking the best for others.”

At the time of the last meal with his disciples, Jesus instructs them, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35). We know that the kind of love Jesus was referring to is agape love. His love is unconditional. Even in that moment of knowing one of his disciples would betray him, he loved them. All of them. His love for Judas did not end because he would betray him, nor did it waiver. He wasn’t referring to them simply loving one another, as they had become close in their time together. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus states, “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” Did you see that? Even those who persecute us? What kind of love is that? How can we love even our enemies?

Well, Jesus described that kind of love this way, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” That’s exactly what Jesus did. He willingly laid down his life so that we would not die in our sin, but have eternal life with him in Heaven. Did you notice that Jesus used the word friends? Yet he laid down his life not just for his friends. He did it for everyone, even those who hung him on that cross. Now that is love. How is that even possible? You may be thinking it isn’t. Yet Jesus did not just ask, he commanded that we do it. He specifically says, “as I have loved you, you also love one another.” We know that kind of love is only possible through Jesus. We know that Jesus never asks us to do anything that he we would not be able to do with God’s help. Jesus knew we are challenged. In Matthew 19:26, while referring to who can be saved it states, “But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Well, there we have it. With God, ALL things are possible. Even loving our enemy.

Let’s dig a little deeper and take a look at what the Word of God teaches us love is. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 13 which Paul (inspired by God) begins, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.” WOW, that is a HUGE statement. If it profits us nothing if we don’t have (walk in) love, we NEED to get this right! Wouldn’t you agree? However, this is a big topic so we will need to break it up into a series. I am so sorry to leave you hanging right here, but Paul gives us plenty to think about as we consider the next section: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.”

In my next post I will begin with “Love suffers long and is kind. Please come back and join me as we dig deep so we can really comprehend the magnitude of this “love” God shares with us. Until then, may the Lord bless you and keep you; make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. May the Lord turn his face toward you, and give you peace (Numbers 6:24-26).

The Power of the Tongue

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There was a popular saying when I was a kid, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Speaking from personal experience though, I can tell you, that statement is far from true. The sting of hurtful words is often hard to recover from. Proverbs 18:21 tells us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” What does that mean? Does that mean that our tongue is a sword that can either spare a life or take one? Well, in a sense, yes. The words we say and the way that we say them have the power to give life to a wounded heart, or cause mass destruction that wounds the spirit. It all depends on how we use them. Proverbs 18:14 states it like this, “The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, but who can bear a broken spirit?”

Some of you may understand the magnitude of pain a broken spirit endures. I certainly do. I can vividly remember the day when a counselor asked me to name three positive qualities about myself. I could not even think of one. All I could hear was the repetition of hateful words; “you’re no good, you’re worthless, you’re going to hell, you disgust me, you’re nothing.” Over and over these words and many others repeated in my mind. Where was the positive? I had no idea. There did not seem to be any. To him, I was nothing but every insult he could throw at me. I was a failure at everything, from his perspective.

Once the noise of my thoughts quieted down, the tears began to flow. I did not even know who I was any more aside from the me he created. Sadly, it took several days before I could even think of one positive thing. What eventually came to mind is that I care about people. I care enough to never want anyone else to feel the awful emptiness that I felt at that very moment. It was then that I began a journey to rediscover not just who I am, but who I am in Christ.

That is the concern with verbal and emotional abuse. Many see abuse as being only physical. Our society minimizes the damage verbal abuse can cause. If someone punches their spouse, then it is abuse. However, if they speak harshly to their spouse to the point that the spouse no longer wants to live, it is often viewed as a “not so loving” act toward an “oversensitive” spouse. Why is it that we can only see the damage physically done as abuse but the destruction of someone’s words gets brushed under the rug so to speak? Abuse is abuse. Any act, physical or verbal, that can destroy a person’s soul or make them think that death is a better option is abuse.

Dear friend, if this is your situation, let me encourage you. We were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). He knew us before He even formed us (Jeremiah 1:5), and even after knowing us, He still knit us together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). We are fearfully (carefully) and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Jesus loves us so much that He died for us (John 3:16). Despite what others may have said about you, God loves and adores you. His love does not have to be earned. It is freely given. We are saved by His grace when we believe and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. NO ONE can snatch us from His mighty hand or keep us from eternal life in Him (John 10:28).

May you find comfort and peace in knowing that “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit (Psalm 34:18). Cast your anxiety and your hurt on Him with confidence that He cares (1 Peter 5:7). You are never alone, even in the darkest moments when it feels that way. Trust the Lord that He will never leave you, nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). He will give you beauty for your ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

I pray that the Lord will shield your heart and mind against hateful words, whether it is presently occurring or in haunting reminders. I pray for healing of your wounds. May God’s love surround you and comfort you. I pray that through His words in Scripture you will know how much you are loved and valued. May His truth bring healing and restoration to your wounded heart. In Jesus’s precious name, amen.

Can I Still Trust God When My Life is Turned Upside Down?

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Have you ever considered how much you truly trust God? That may sound like a strange question. We can easily say with our mouth that we trust Him completely, but is that really true? When things are going well, of course we can. There is nothing to complain about, nor is there anything to worry about. Sure God, I trust you completely. How about the areas of our vulnerability? I am talking about the areas within us that have been so severely hurt, can we really truly say we trust Him? Our trials and our life circumstances can most certainly reveal to us how deep our trust goes. When we lose the job that we thought was our greatest accomplishment, and the bank account that once was abundant is now showing a zero can we still say we trust God? What about when we find out our child, whom we care so deeply for does something that shakes the ground we stand on? Can we still say that we trust Him when the future we have been planning for, that we see so clearly in our mind and in our heart, is ripped out from under us? What about the marriage or relationship that we held so dear came to a shocking end? Can we trust God, or do we completely fall apart with thoughts of impending doom? Have you ever been there? Have you ever stood before God completely and utterly broken pleading for answers to the question of why? Yet in that moment, all you receive is silence. All you can feel is the absolute breaking of your heart as if it would erupt like a volcano bursting everywhere. These moments can most definitely take our breath away. I am not talking about the reference to love and beauty. I am talking about the heavy, resistant labor it takes for every breath that feels like at any moment it will just stop.

I have been there. What I have found is that my greatest area of weakness when it comes to trusting God is my heart. Having walked through years of heartache and emotional devastation, I realized I had built a wall around my heart. So, I thought. No one was ever going to hurt me again. EVER. No one would ever come within a million feet of it. Does anyone know what I am talking about? It’s the kind of brokenness that makes you question the very concept of love. You see, when you have suffered heartache at the hands of someone’s hatefulness, it becomes something you will guard with your life if you have to. You will build a wall that no one can climb. Until… that moment when someone actually tries to climb it. Then you get stuck between a struggle of wanting to trust them, but the pain of the past is always in the way. I realized this struggle can even happen with God. We sometimes find ourselves in situations that will truly test how much we trust God in our specific area of weakness. When we unconsciously make the decision to guard our heart instead of trusting God with it, we can end up even more broken hearted…as if that even seems possible.

I want to encourage you dear friend, that we CAN trust God even with those areas we want to protect. We can trust that He has our best interest in mind even when it seems far from true. I think about the story of the Shunammite woman in 2 Kings 4. Though we do not know her name, we know several things about her. We know that she was notable, she was hospitable, and she had CRAZY faith. Does anyone know what I am talking about? The kind of faith that believes in the unbelievable. The kind of faith that believes in a dream even when everything around her says it isn’t possible.

Here’s what happened. Elisha the prophet and his servant Gehazi went into Shunem, a very small village in Israel. They meet a Shunammite woman who offers them some food. Each time they came she would feed them. One day, she tells her husband that they should make a room for him so when Elisha comes, he will have a place to rest (v. 10). After seeing how concerned she was for them Elisha asks what he can do for her. She did not give an answer (v. 13), I would imagine because she was not looking for anything in return. Gehazi tells Elisha that the woman does not have a son and her husband is old. So, Elisha tells the woman that by the same time next year she will have a son. In her excitement she pleads with him to not lie to her (v.16). It seems to be something she could not imagine would happen. However, it did. She gives birth to a son (v. 17). Now when the son was older, something unexpected happens. He said that his head hurt and then he dies. This absolutely is a moment that would throw me into a panic. I think I would lose my mind. I know for sure I would be screaming and crying. Yet this woman remains calm. She lays her son on Elisha’s bed and sets out to find him. Her husband inquires as to why she is going to see the prophet. She simply responds, “It is well” (v.23).

When she arrives where Elisha is, he sends Gehazi to greet her and ask if everything is alright. Again, she replies, “It is well” (v.26).  It is well?! Is she for real? She must be in shock, right? Her son is dead! How can she possibly say it is well? It is far from well. It is heart wrenching awful! Now when she gets to the man of God, Elisha, the Bible says she “caught him by the feet.” It does not say anything else about her composure. So, we do not know if she is still keeping it together or if she is now hysterical. We do know though that Elisha acknowledges that she is in deep distress by her action which is a sign of humility, grief and supplication. Concerning her situation, he makes an interesting statement, “the Lord has hidden it from me, and has not told me.” We know that it was common for God’s purposes that the prophets would know certain things; however, there were certain things that God did not reveal even to the prophets. This tells me that in some situations it may be necessary to know something ahead of time, while in others, it heightens the mystery of what is to come. Needless to say, Elisha came home with the woman and prayed to the Lord over the boy in addition to the physical actions he took in stretching himself out over him. Before long, a miracle took place (v.34-35). The boy came back to life!

Wow. What an amazing story. I do not know that I could compose myself the way she did while all of this is going on. I know in my own circumstances; I tend to be emotional. I am a crier. I am passionate and empathetic. I can cry at a commercial. I become fearful under extreme pressure. In the face of heartbreak, I had a ton of messy, tear wiping questions. How did this happen? Why did it happen? God, I thought you were going to…. You can insert whatever your situation and your questions may be too. That is what we do right? Let’s be honest. We do not like disappointment, and challenging circumstances. We especially do not like heartache. When these things happen, we want answers.

Well, the Shunammite woman did ask questions. She asked, “Did I ask a son of my lord? Did I not say, ‘Do not deceive me?” (v.28) They are reasonable questions after all. It is perfectly fine to ask. What I want you to see though is that she did not fall apart. She did not lose hope. She did not define her entire life by this one moment…and it was a HUGE moment. It was a moment many of us would have completely checked out of. Yet she didn’t. She held tight to her faith. She knew exactly who to go to. She knew exactly who could fix it. She did not stop along the way to tell everyone what happened. She went straight to the source and reminded him of his promise. She knew he promised her a son and she knew this did NOT look like the promise as she understood it. This was a gift God gave her, and even in that moment when it looked like He had taken it away, she was strong in her faith. I admire this woman’s strength and her faith. What is it that kept her faith so strong even when it looked like everything had fallen apart? Although it does not specify, I would have to say it is because she KNOWS who her God is. She knows that He is faithful. She knows that He is a promise keeper. She knows He is good even in the most horrific of circumstances.

Does this mean that God fixes everything? No. We see that in the world and in our lives every day. There is devastation and heartache everywhere. Our prodigal son may not return home. We may never get our job back. Our marriage or relationship may never be restored. We may never know why that person treated us so bad. We may still lose the house. Our loved one still died in spite of all our prayers. The questions you have swirling around in your head may never be answered. Although we do experience devastating events in our lives, we can be sure that God empathizes with our pain. His son died on the cross. He understands what that feels like. He is with us in our pain even when it feels like we are all alone. He puts our tears in His bottle and records it in His book (Psalm 56:8). Not a single tear falls from our eye that He is unaware of. He is not distant. Think of it this way, why would He put our tears in a bottle? The verse says God keeps record of our hurt. He does this because it is important to Him…WE are important to Him. His compassion is unending. He does not forget what we have been through.

God does not let us remain stuck in the pain of loss and devastation. Though we may not get back what was lost, God is working ALL things for our good (Romans 8:28). He is still working on our behalf. We may not see it because we only see the now. We do not see what He sees or the circumstances surrounding our losses. We do not see what He was protecting us from or what would have happened if we remained in that situation. There are a lot of unanswered questions. However, what we do know is that He is with us in every trial. He sees us and He feels our pain. He grieves with us. He will walk through it with us if we let Him; if we will let down our walls for God to come in to that deep place in our heart. He can take the sting of the painful loss and use it for something that will turn our pain into something beautiful. That does not mean we will never feel the pain of that loss again. I still have moments that I feel the loss of my Mother, who passed away many years ago. I still on occasion feel the pain in the memories of a difficult marriage. However, now I can see that the Lord is using that painful circumstance in my marriage for something beautiful. He is building a ministry that I would never have if I had not walked through that valley. Though there are other situations that trouble my heart, I wait and trust with hope because I know God is faithful. Never lose hope. He is still the God of miracles. The God of the mountains IS the God of the valleys. We CAN trust our unknown future to our known God. We won’t know until we see what He has done how He will use that painful circumstance. He is STILL writing redemption stories. It just may not look the way you thought or even hoped it would. But it will be good.

I pray for anyone who may be feeling “stuck” in their painful circumstances that you will find comfort in knowing that the Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). I pray that the grip the pain has over you will be released and that you can give it to the Lord. I pray you will let down any walls you have built against Him through disappointment and anger. Let the Lord heal your wounded heart and know that He truly cares for you. Let Him breathe new life into the places you feel are dead. I pray that the Lord will wrap His arms around you, comfort you, and give you peace.